Star Trek. not. Star. Trek.

Saw Star Trek tonight.  I’m not disappointed because I made sure and kept my hopes low.  It wasn’t a BAD movie.  It wasn’t a great movie.  It was more firmly in the good category, but certainly not quite reaching the status of good.  Here’s my “review”.  WARNING: SPOILERS.

  1. Ok, so what’s with Romulans being the enemy?  Romulans are not about in your face brutality, massive ships and freaky weird baldness.  No, I’ve always thought of Romulans as possessing a more “civilized” brutality, if you will.  Smiling and making pleasant conversation as they gut you or poison you or both.  However, if I use Nemesis and this movie as my basis for Romulans, then Romulans are now bald crazies with homicidal tendencies.  Yes, they have basically morphed into bald Klingons.  I feel sorry for the Romulans, and it’s probably a good thing their planet was destroyed, if only to save them from sucking so bad.  Nero, you aren’t even scary.  You’re a petulant little boy, not cold and calculating as I was hoping.
  2. Again, Romulans?  Out of the WHOLE galaxy, it had to be the Romulans again?  Couldn’t it be someone else?
  3. Ok, so what’s up with the drill?  If he could drop the red matter and have it react to create a black hole, he didn’t need to drill a freaking hole, he could have just shot a missile load to the planets surface and watched it eat the planet the same damn way.  Jeez.  See what I mean, stupid.
  4. Old Spock.  Nice veneers Leonard.  Not too bad of a job there buddy.  You definitely channeled the old vibe.  But why were you the one, out of a planet of 6+ BILLION and a galaxy of a huge number more than that, why were you the one who was supposed to save Romulus?  You could NOT have been the most capable, or experienced candidate.  You’re an Ambassador, not a cowboy.
  5. New Kirk/Old Spock.  Ok, you have a WHOLE planet.  And on it is old Spock, and then New Kirk gets put there.  It’s an ice planet.  With nasty monsters.  And out of the WHOLE PLANET, you 2 meet up within a few hours of New Kirk landing (maybe even less).  Come on.  NO frakking way.  And then we have to ask, out of the WHOLE Galaxy, why that planet?  Yes, it was close to Vulcan.  I bet there were others.  Sheesh.
  6. New crew.  Yeah, you have the names, you have the skills.  You even have the fake accents (or real as the case may be), and general racial and appearance characteristics of the old crew.  But you’re not.  Don’t try to be, it’s not working.  Make like Uhura and channel a new vibe based on the old one.
  7. New Uhura.  Ok, you kick butt.  Uhura was probably the least useful of the old characters, unfortunately because she was a woman.  Add that she was African-American, and she really got marginalized.  That’s too bad, because she probably could have been really good.  New Uhura isn’t making the same mistake.  I think she could kick New Kirk’s butt.  I’m not sure Old Kirk would have liked her, because he seemed to like women who were a bit softer.  She is a good match for Spock though.  You go Spock!
  8. New Scotty.  Oh, of all the characters I thought Simon Pegg would be the best match.  man, you’ve got to step it up and add some confidence to your character.  Lets get some of that old engineer magic going.
  9. New Spock.  I’m not sure about you, but so far, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt.
  10. New Chekhov.  Oh man, give it a rest with the terrible terrible Russian accent.  I think that was definitely overplayed.
  11. New Sulu.  Ok, you need more screen time before I can really make a determination.  What’s up with the folding samurai sword?
  12. New McCoy.  Not as crotchety, but still pulling some of the old McCoy vibe.  I think I like you.
  13. New Kirk.  OMFG.  Dude, all swagger and no substance.  I suspect it was the writing, I hope it wasn’t all the acting.  I need to watch you in action a little more to know for sure.
  14. New Starfleet.  Ok you dumbasses.  First, if anyone shows up for the shuttle, they’re in?  WTF kind of recruitment is that.  Second, who puts all thier ships of the fleet on the other side of the galaxy?  You ever here of fleets?  Yeah, your supposed to divide the fleet up and always leave a certain amount of the fleet guarding the homeworld and various other places.  LIKE VULCAN AND EARTH.  Why did you have to send brand new ships with CADETS to protect 2 of the major planets in the Federation.  W.T.F?
  15. New phasers.  What’s up with the red light/blue light thing?
  16. New Enterprise.  I think I like you.  I know I like the industrial feel.  Pipes, metal brackets…nice.  Why so ugly inside though and so pretty outside.  Seems a bit strange.  I still like it though.  Oh yeah, and how the hell did they build you on Earth and get you into space?  What happened to orbiting spacedocks?
  17. Vulcan.  Oh, we hardly knew ye.  When you saw the drill coring your planet, did you not think of RUNNING away?  Or was it not logical?  DUH.

Sigh.  Lets see how number 2 goes before I condemn you blasphemers further.

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